Chapter 8: The Hissing Hemorrhoid

My wife and I had an intense discussion when we were in the tenth month of pregnancy with our first child, where we shared how we were feeling about becoming parents and what our fears were. I looked at her in a moment of sheer terror on both our parts, dead serious, and asked: "does birth smell?" She looked at me with a cracked grin and asked what I meant. I said: "there's going to be a whole lot, I imagine, that is smelly." She just shook her head, but I went on to point out that although we did Lamaze on DVD, we only watched the breathing part. There was a lot we did not know (it was so bad that my sister-in-law and I were still timing contractions and chanting, minutes before delivery in the hospital, after over a day of labor and our "coaching"). 

"What the what?" my wife asked. She then giggled, clearly not understanding that I was being totally serious. I feared a lot of things, and heard horror stories, and stories on the "beauty" of the birthing process...but no one talks about how it smells! I brought it up a few times as our due date approached and passed. I think it may have become completely unfunny when she was three days past our due date. 

  

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The car ride to the hospital was borderline comedic, and I own that. I was a stereotypical first time father, shaking a mile a minute, forgetting bags, going over every bump possible in the road. "IS IT GOING TO BE SMELLY?" I screamed, in response to her nagging about how I was driving. My racing mind could not grasp anything else. I caught my wife's glaring eyes, illuminated by the headlights of oncoming traffic, and reflected from the mirror by the car riding the bumper of my 20 mph moving car on the fast paced NY freeway (I begged my wife to ride in the backseat with her sister because I thought it was safer). I realized that I was still not going to get an answer, but that I had it together enough to refocus on the road. I chuckled to myself over asking the very question, and it got us to our destination safely.

I experienced a great haze as my wife had a blood pressure drop and an incredibly difficult spinal. I have images that come to mind in those six hours after arrival, but most of the experience is through the zany pictures we took. My next moment of real lucidity was my wife being told to push. She pushed. She kept pushing. My wife pushed an Olympic level session of pushes for what seemed like forever! I held her hand, wiped her brow, cheered her on. 

And then...it happened. Mind you, my first rookie mistake was jumping between my role as cheerleader/partner and as cinematographer, where I snapped pictures, took short video blips, etc. I will never forget the moment I saw it: I came face to face with the blasted hemorrhoid that had plagued my wife for three months, and became a pain in my own ass in my own right. It hissed at me! It was so horrifying an image I swear I could HEAR it, even when I recollect!

I stared this anal beast down, equally fascinated, horrified, mortified....PLOP. My wife's poo made the first of several clanks I would hear on the stainless steel she laid so helplessly and uncomfortably upon (I think there was some type of mattress on top of it). I tried not to take the moment in...How am I going to not laugh? How am I ever going to get over this? How am I ever going to look at her the same again??? 

Return to haze...the bitch obstetrician returned and began SCREAMING at my wife to push (she was not a bitch, per se, but to me she was the enemy that night). "PUSH PUSH!!" Couldn't she see how hard my wife was pushing??? She was pushing so hard that aliens, that will forever change our connection, are coming out of my wife's ass!! I knew I could do nothing to stop the doctor's demands, and I began crying. How could that doctor be so hard on her? I didn't know what else to do, so I began pushing on my wife's stomach, sure I could save the day. "We've got this baby, I'll help you!" I declared. 

Thank God the nurse saw what I was doing and screamed "NOT YOU, HER!!!" I threw my hands up as though a swat team had caught me robbing a convenience store and then panicked. Did I hurt the baby? Did I hurt my wife??? 

I didn't know what else to do, so I returned to my photography duties and saw the next image: this hairy bloody skin like mass bursting its way out of my wife...first a little, then a lot, then a little more, then retracting, then more, then retracting...POP!!! A bloody, hairy, gory, mucous covered head-- sticking out of my wife's vagina. I cried, mostly in horror, at what I was witnessing. WTF is that??? It was so Ridley Scott, so inorganic and horrific and seemingly unnatural. I looked immediately at my wife, who was in pure agony and returned to her side. I kissed her forehead and could hear "Push, push"...but it became more and more clear she was being told "DO NOT push!!"

The cord had been wrapped around our daughter's neck and they were moving at what seemed like slow motion, but apparently lightning speed trying to fix it. True panic set in at the thought of something happening to our baby. I feared and experienced the absolute worst case scenarios....brain damage, disfigurement, death. My knees buckled. Everything became completely surreal as I squeezed my wife's hand and my heart pounded furiously out of my chest. 

I then heard clearly: "OK, ONE MORE PUSH," and my wife grasped my hand like she was owning General Zod. All of a sudden-- this human being emerged. This hairy, bloody, mucous covered HUMAN BEING had emerged. It felt like a nano second and an eternity. The space time continuum stopped there and all was still. I was not able to stand, never mind think, act or do--and I can't believe that I did any of those things. A human being that I co created just ripped out of my wife's vagina. 

I don't think there was really comprehension or experience in the following seconds or minutes. I kept telling myself to breathe and to keep standing up. I did not want to be "that dad," though understand why dads go down after birth. I was handed scissors seemingly out of nowhere, and was told "cut here!" I felt like a right handed kindergartner given left handed scissors being told to cut through a tire: I cut, and nothing seemed to happen except a bloody mess. "Cut more, it is extremely thick!" I heard. I thought about how this was my wife's and my daughter's living connection and proceeded, though terrified I would do it wrong and hurt my wife and/or my baby. 

"CUT, CUT!!" the doctor shouted. Bitch. 

It took four cuts to sever the cord (though I swear it was 400), and blood splattered about the room like a death scene from any classic horror movie. They rushed this 'hairy bloody goop' away and all I could think about was my wife, my trembling hands that held scissors that just cut human flesh, and about the fact I was actually still standing. I gathered enough wits about me to go to my wife's side. I didn't know I was crying again until the tears splattered on her face. I was the perfect trifecta of exhausted, exhilarated, and ecstatic. 

"ARE YOU OK?" I screamed, probably louder than I should have, through my baffled bewilderment. I don't remember what she said, but remember seeing her face and knowing she was OK, so I turned to face the 'hairy, bloody goop.' I looked over at the nurses who scurried about and remember being mad that I could not run to see and confirm what I thought I had witnessed. The banging on the door (of my over enthusiastic mother in law ready to meet her first grandchild) was muffled when I heard "THUMP." I wish there were more words, because 'thump,' nor any other word can adequately define that 'sound.' The afterbirth hit the table, and I truly thought I was going to fall over. I tried to make sense of things, but I next saw the obstetrician using a NEEDLE AND THREAD ON MY WIFE'S VAGINA!!! I saw people continue to scurry about the 'hairy, bloody goop.' My heart was racing, my breathing was thin, my thoughts were thoughtless. I remember wondering, "wait, I am not OK!!!"

I somehow gathered enough stability to run over to where the nurses were gathered. One of the nurses moved away from her position, and there she was: 'Push, Push' (as I still call her)!! PERFECT in every way...I looked her up and down, covered with Mecuricome , still gory and a little bloody...and then: she opened her eyes and our eyes met, only inches apart. Every breath in my body, idea my mind ever thought, sound my ears ever heard, sight I had ever seen, every moment in any time I had ever known was sucked into an abyss-- NONE of that mattered anymore. All that existed, ever existed, or will ever exist was her...MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!!! 

The nurses moved me to the gorified chair, blood strewn from one end to the other...and they placed my daughter in my arms for the first time. Since I have no words for THAT moment, I include this picture.

After an instant and an eternity, I looked over at my wife, the warrior, having a slight sense of what she had just done and I began sobbing. "THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!! HOW??? HOW DID YOU DO THAT? DO YOU SEE HER??? ARE YOU OK???" I don't remember what she said, or if she even heard me.

The nurse then took our daughter and placed her on my wife's chest and the three of us embraced. PEACE and LOVE and LIGHT like I had NEVER experienced before, or even had the sense to conceptualize, aim for, or want. I had no sense of THIS before I received it. THIS is the most definitive component of my self, my life, my soul and always will be. I had NO idea THIS is what I wanted, needed, sought after. 

It would be a couple of very sleepless and hazy nights before we would discuss that night in any way we could really comprehend or give meaning to the experience. My wife and I were laying in bed as she breastfed our daughter. It was a breezy June night, and a warm wind blew through our bedroom. I remember how our daughter smelled of "baby" and lavender. We burned a sandalwood candle downstairs, and the scent lightly wafted into the room. The slight glow of the street lights, and the whooshing sound of passing cars filled the air through our open windows. It was one of those PERFECT moments. 

I looked at my wife, her eyes clearly visible from the street lights--so beautiful and so young, and I smiled. She gazed into my eyes, and then at our almost sleeping daughter. She smiled back at me and displayed the most content, amazing smile I had ever seen in my life. She reached around my head and grabbed me by the hair behind my ear and pulled me close, wiped my sweaty brow, and pulled me in for a kiss. We touched forehead and nose, and we both sighed. "So," she asked in a very serious tone, "was it smelly?" 

This was our only natural birth. Our twins were born via c section four years and six days later. C sections are a whole different beast. I still can't answer that question! I simply don't remember. I have an image of the poo, and an image of that hissing hemorrhoid. Those things are so completely trumped and muted by my wife's amazing strength and my daughter's amazing self. I guess it is like asking a woman if birth hurts. I think it is obvious what the answer is...but those details become so muted and unimportant. The resounding memory: my wife is a warrior and there was nothing gross or off-putting about it.  


CHAPTER 9:  I'M in charge of WHAT? 

Baked Brie En Croute

Looking for a last minute app that is sure to be a touch down this weekend?  This luscious, rich, and sinfully decadent treat is worth abandoning the "healthier" version of anything!!  Served at room temperature with stone wheat crackers on the side, and paired with anything from light beer to a fine wine...you will surely score with this creation!  Enjoy!!  Go Bears! ;)

Ingredients:

• 1 wheel of brie (available in your supermarket's cheese section--you can get a decent wheel of brie for around $15)
• 1 frozen pastry crust
• 1/4 C mixed olives, chopped (most supermarkets have olive bars, choose a variety of them, and be sure to de-pit)
• 1/4 C grape tomatoes, halved
• 2T extra virgin olive oil
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 2 T capers
• 1 T salted butter, melted
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Place frozen pastry crust in refrigerator overnight.
2. Remove pastry crust from refrigerator 1 hour prior to cooking and set on counter to come to room temperature.
3. Remove brie from package and set on counter for 20 minutes.
4. Preheat oven according to cooking directions on frozen pastry dough.
5. Wrap 1 sheet of pastry crust around brie (there will be a gap in the center)
6. Brush pastry dough with melted butter.
7. Cook pastry wrapped brie according to directions on the package (typically 20 minutes at 400 degrees).
8. Remove from oven and allow to cool for at least one to two hours.
9. In a sauté pan, add olive oil and garlic over a medium high heat.
10. When garlic becomes a golden brown color, add tomatoes, olives, capers, salt and pepper.
11. Drizzle mix in the center of the brie.
12. Cut the brie as you would a pie, and serve with stone ground crackers.

Buffalo Chicken Endive Boats

I was going to a party last weekend where I was given three pieces of information:  the dish I brought had to be gluten free, everyone was craving hot wings, there were no salads being served.  I came up with this recipe for a "healthier" version of hot wings, and I was surprised with how well the buffalo chicken mixture paired with the endive.  We had to miss the party due to inclement weather, but these amazing little boats did not go to waste!  Enjoy!!

Ingredients

• 2 skinless boneless chicken breasts, roasted and cubed
• 2 endive heads
• 8 oz Hot Sauce
• 1/4 C reduced fat bleu cheese crumbles
• 2 T mayonnaise (for an even healthier version, substitute fat free Greek Yogurt)
• pinch of cayenne pepper
• pinch of red pepper flake

1. In a small sauce pan over medium heat, combine hot sauce, cayenne pepper, and red pepper flake. 
2. Bring to a boil, and then reduce heat to low.
3. Add cubed chicken and simmer for 10 minutes.
4. Cool mixture completely.
5. In a medium mixing bowl, combine chicken mixture with mayo, bleu cheese crumbles, salt and pepper to taste.
6. Scoop 1-2 T on endive that has been separated. 
7. Garnish with fresh celery, carrots, and tomatoes. 

Basil Tangerine Infused Cranberry Sauce

Think outside the box!  That is the theme of our Thanksgiving day this year.  We had a bag of fresh cranberries, and some tangerines, and I was thinking of different ways to bring them together.  I looked over at my wilting basil plant, and it hit me!  I would try making a simple syrup infused with basil and tangerine zest, and see what would happen (we had two cans of the gelatinous stuff as back up).  I have to say, folks, culinary win!  This sauce has such a depth of flavor, with sweet, tart, floral, tangy notes abound!  I don't anticipate it lasting long on our dinner table.  Enjoy!

Ingredients:

• 1 C sugar
• 1 C water
• 3 basil leaves, torn (to bring out the natural oils)
• zest of 1 tangerine
• juice of 1/2 tangerine
• 1 12 oz bag of fresh cranberries

1. In a medium saucepan over medium high heat, combine sugar, water, basil, and tangerine zest.
2. Bring to a boil.
3. Reduce heat and continue to whisk well and add tangerine juice.
4. Remove basil leaves.
5. Add cranberries and bring to a boil.
6. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20-25 minutes stirring occasionally.
7. Bring to room temperature before serving. 

"I'm Craving" Spaghetti Pie

I don't know how much this qualifies as a "healthier" alternative to a regular spaghetti pie, but I was craving everything "bad" from Chicken Florentine, to fried spaghetti and fried mozzarella, to something/anything with a cream sauce.  I was pleased that this totally hit the spot. The only ingredient that was really "bad" was the mozzarella, but there is only 2 ounces per serving...keep in mind this is meatless as well! Serve with a simple spinach salad that has been  tossed with lemon juice, salt and pepper.  Enjoy! 

Ingredients:  

• 1/3 lb protein enriched spaghetti (the Plus version of regular pasta)
• 2 T extra virgin olive oil
• 2 T corn starch
• 1 1/2 C chicken stock
• the juice of 1/2 lemon
• 1 t garlic powder
• 1 pinch red pepper flake
• 1/2 can small black olives (whole or sliced)
• 1/2 can quartered artichoke hearts
• 1 small can (14.5 oz) of diced tomatoes, drained
• 2 T capers
• 1/2 C frozen spinach, thawed and well drained (remove excess moisture with paper towels)
• 1 small can (4 oz) sliced mushrooms, drained 
• 1 C shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 C Parmesan cheese
• 2 eggs

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Bring 4 qts water to a rolling boil and add a liberal amount of salt.
3. Cook spaghetti, stirring frequently, until 1 minute before al dente (this time will be on the package).
4. Drain spaghetti and reserve some of the pasta water.
5. In a large saute pan over medium high heat, add olive oil and corn starch.  
6. Using a wire whisk, combine the corn starch and oil well until it begins to bubble.
7. Add chicken stock while whisking constantly to avoid lumps. 
8. Add lemon juice, garlic powder, pepper flake, salt and pepper to taste.  
9. Spray a pie plate with a liberal amount of non stick cooking spray.
10. Whisk together the two eggs with 1/8 C of reserved pasta water to temper the eggs (this will prevent them from scrambling when you add it to the pie). 
11. Combine all remaining ingredients in the saute pan and mix until well combined.
12. Add mixture to the pie plate and top with the mozzarella cheese.
13. Bake for 20-25 minutes until the cheese melts and bubbles.  
14. Let stand for at least 15-20 minutes so it will hold its shape when you cut it

Pairs perfectly with a nice Pinot Grigio

This can be made gluten free by using a rice pasta  

DARE AND DO Update: October 2013

The end of the last ten week plan in the Dare and Do Challenge was met with an atypically warm and bright unfolding fall season.  The bright and sunny days in New England have given way to unseasonably warm and calm nights.

The pallet of colors has reached the peak, here, and the leaves-- rich in red, orange, and yellow hues-- have already begun to cover neglected lawns and fill storm drains.  The smell of underlying crispy brown lawns and leaves is in the air, but coupled with enough of a reminder of summer to leave anyone confused as to the time of year. The pools, not so long ago a source of fun and laughter, are covered.  Summer shorts have been put away, and tank tops and sandals (sans socks, of course) are no longer appropriate, even in these mild temperatures.  Fall, however generous this year, has halted summer fun and still promises the gloomy and stark season to come.

I have found myself--whilst launching a new business and in the middle of a multitude of weddings, birthdays, unplanned for events-- cash strapped.  I pulled out my wardrobe from two seasons ago, and stand proudly at how much I've accomplished...until my pants fall down around my ankles.  I then immediately shrug down and pull my pants up to my chest.  I place my belt on the last hole allowed for my then size, and contemplate punching a new hole.

We have had weather that demands a sweater or a coat; the heat has been on.  I've worn these clothes just enough to be reminded that I don't have to look "good enough" with my shirt off again until May of next year (or whenever I take my next picture for the internet, you know, Friday).  ;) I need a new wardrobe, but I'm not in the place to do anything about it just yet.

I have been away from the Dare and Do Challenge Group for the past week or so because I have been guilty.  I have been guilty of not doing a crunch, a plank, a squat, a feathered peacock, a tricep dip, a push up, a lunge.  I have not lifted a weight, a yoga mat, or thought of any of that in DAYS.  I am equally guilty of indulging in pizza, cheese, potato chips, chocolate, ice cream, cheese, potato chips, potato chips, Doritos, Doritos with cheese and bacon.  Good Lawd, I've have bacon several ways. And I'M NOT SORRY. Except, clearly, I totally am.

I hit my scale weight goal of 165 towards the end of the ten week challenge, but continued to increase my work outs for my non scale goals.  I took the last two days of the challenge off, took my "after" pic (which then became my new "before" pic) and am reluctant to admit, felt disappointed.  I am proud of everything I accomplished.  I scoff at the 24 pounds lost and tell them not to come back.  I love wearing my new shorts/short sleeve shirts that fit me.  In the mirror, though, I thought I would be further along.  I truly thought, after working my butt off since May, that I would be Jensen Channing, or whomever (is this getting old yet?), and could finally say "after."  I am impressed with what I've done, but still have so much more to do before June (my goal for "after").  Grrr!

I am not sorry for not working out/eating like a glutton because after the two days off and the reality of the "after" pic, I got the flu.  I got the kind of flu where you sleep for three days, and everything is a haze.  I got the type of flu where you are ravenously hungry, and then can't tolerate the sight of food.  I can never remember if you feed a cold or a fever, so I just always feed both.  For me, that is part of healing...rest, fluids, tons of junk food, hours of bad television interspersed with healing sleep.

I am sorry because I started to feel better over the weekend, and I weighed myself, fearing the worst.  I now weigh 164.  My shorts are still falling off.  I did nothing, ate what I wanted, and know that sweater weather is here.  It was short lived, but it happened:  I remembered, from the few other times I got "in shape," that I can eat whatever I want and do nothing in terms of exercise and maintain it for up to a year.

My wife, who stopped daring and doing, which also frustrates me because I first starting doing this to inspire her, was my saving grace.  She looked at me, lovingly, and posed:  "what if you lost one pound of muscle?" Food for thought.

I then thought of the Dare and Do group, and all of the inspiring people I have met there, and all of the amazing accomplishments they have reached.  Yes, I can pull this off for a bit, but what happens, in that unseen, unfelt, unheard of moment, when I no longer maintain and pack it all back on?  I do this EVERY year.  I am in the best shape of my life, woo hoo!  I have a lot more to "lose" here.  How can I possibly contemplate failure and also co-run this group?

I beat myself up for a day or so, whilst catering a party with foods that included bacon, and bacon, and meatballs with half and half soaked Italian bread and, um, bacon.  I woke up today, and it was like auto pilot.  I did 4 miles on the bike at top resistance in 15 minutes.  I did 500 crunches, I did 100 push ups.  I did a 2 minute plank (more than that is a waste of time, imho). I lifted weights, and I ate extremely well.  I am tired, but am reminded of the "journey not destination" part of what I've been talking about.  I GOT THIS!!

My journey is specific, and I know that.  I am trying to prevent a mid life crisis as I approach mid life.  I think of others out there going through their journeys and felt the need to fess up.  YES--WE WILL ALL FALL OFF THE WAGON, WE WILL ALL MESS UP...That's what the DARE AND DO GROUP is FOR!  WE GOT THIS!!!

So, to my cursed, blessed DD group members, blah to you for the Doritos I will throw out because I CAN NOT eat them.  And THANK YOU for how blessed I am for what we've all created.  I am already back on track and moving forward.  #thankyou!!  --Brian

"Guiltless" Angel Hair Alfredo

I have to toot my own horn on this recipe because it knocked the socks off of not only my entire family, but off of myself as well.  It is hearty, rich, and DELICIOUS!  As many of you know, I am currently writing two cooking memoirs:  one about my time as a stay at home dad, and one about my lifelong journey towards health/wellness.  I have been reserving my signature dishes for these books, and had I not been directly asked to develop this recipe, I would have reserved it for the health and wellness book.  It was THAT good. You should try this recipe out, but don't tell anyone that it is "healthier."  Enjoy watching their reactions when you tell them what's in it!  

Ingredients:

• 1 lb protein enriched pasta (the angel hair worked perfect)
• 2 T extra virgin olive oil
• 2 T corn starch
• 1 C skim milk
• 3/4 C nonfat Greek yogurt
• 1/4 C Parmesan cheese
• 1 T "I'm shocked this low fat product contains no butter" (I can't list it by brand name, but you know what I mean)
• 1 T garlic powder
• 1-2 pinches of nutmeg (this is needed to balance the tartness of the yogurt)
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Bring 4 quarts of water to a rolling boil in a large sauce pot. 
2. Add a liberal amount of salt and pasta.
3. Cook pasta according to brand.
4. In a large saute pan over medium high heat, combine corn starch and olive oil with a whisk,
5. Slowly whisk in milk and reduce heat to low.
6. Add 3-4 T of the heated mixture to the yogurt and stir to temper it (this will prevent the yogurt from curdling).
7. Whisk in tempered yogurt, and add remaining ingredients.
8. Drain pasta and add to sauce, ensuring to mix well.
9. Garnish with parley and fresh basil leaves.
10. Watch your family/friends literally freak out when you tell them this is a healthier version.  Everyone was floored when I told them what was in it, and my kids licked the plate!!